The coming of the new year was significant for me, I felt like I was stepping over a threshold; Today I feel that I’ve let go and what an exciting way to begin.
As I sat, last week, on a snowy day and wrote my umpteenth personal ad I wrote the words “I’m ready to be a wife” and I realized that for the first time in my life those words were true. There is a peacefulness about my life, and my being, that I don’t believe I’ve ever possessed before. There is a new openness in my heart, and a renewed sense of trust and hope.
All the time that’s passed since my marriage ended in separation 16 years ago I spent looking for a boyfriend, not a husband – subtle difference but very important. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t finding a lifetime partner, it’s because I wasn’t ready for one. While the time wasn’t productive in the way I thought it should have been, I learned a lot and for that I’m grateful. I understand that the seasons of my life required me to be in a certain place and time before I would be ready after all I’ve been as driven in my life to move away from California as I have ever been to be part of a wonderful relationship. Perhaps I got the importance of things backwards; My location was the longer held and more important desire.
As I considered what qualities I would like most in a partner I thought about the mutual care-taking qualities I would like to share with him. To me, being accepting is as important as being capable of giving. I’m sure everyone has met someone who does not know how to accept love, support, kindness, etc. when it’s offered, that can be very frustrating.
I wondered for a moment if the lack of emotional care giving I received as a child had anything to do with the importance I place on giving/receiving, but as I considered it I know the one has nothing to do with the other, except perhaps in my ability to value those qualities. I am a giving, loving partner and I want to share that in a relationship not to make up for a lack, but because loving is my choice of foundation on which to build the future.
Those issues relating to my past are better addressed by how well I care for my Self, how I accept and carry out that responsibility. It’s as important that I nurture, value and love my Self so that I am my best Self for that wonderful man who’s been here in Virginia waiting to me to arrive.